Oh, Daytime Television! Where would consumerism be without you?
Most people cringe and reach for the remote when they hear the classic infomercial voice. I, on the other hand, love to watch them. It's usually a 2 minute reaffirmation of how gullible people can be. This one had me at "How DO you clean your feet?"
EXHIBIT A:
Easy Feet is a wonderful product for any one too lazy to bend their knees. To be honest, I CAN see a practical use for those who CANNOT bend over due to disability, arthritis or old age; yet, the product is clearly targeted for supremely lazy late twenty something. The product suction cups itself to your bath tub so you can drag your tender tootsies across it like a drive through car wash. Put a conveyor belt and rotating bristles and it doubles as a Hot Wheels toy!Honorable Mentions:
"Over 1000 Bristles!" - Thanks. So does my toothbrush.
"It's like a car wash for your feet" - Yup. They said it.
"Just secure easy feet to any smooth shower or tub surface ... or even the wall" - REALLY?!?! If you are too lazy to bend over, what is the purpose of hanging this thing chest high?!? Are we doing ballerina stretches? Ugh
GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
"A Revolution in Convenience!"
To continue George Carlin's rant "Thousands of years of innovation and the best thing you can come up with is sliced f*%king bread" It's hilarious that we can be conned into thinking this is a revolutionary product! And they aren't the only ones!
EXHIBIT B:
Say Hello to everyone's favorite hooker-beater, VINCE!Everyone knows Slap Chop. "You're gonna love my nuts!" You have to give it to these guys. They understand that even infomercials have to change with time. Unlike Easy Feet, Slap Chop's commercial is intentionally entertaining and doesn't over sell the product to the point it'll make you vomit. Snappy one liners and Vince's slap-stick gestures have lead to a name-recognition that is usually reserved for GOOD products like the George Foreman Grill. We know the grill because most households have them and most households have them because they are useful. I have 2!
What irritates me about Slap Chop is that it has been around since before Vince was born! My grandmother had one of these things. I used to chop walnuts for cookies when I was 6 and it looked EXACTLY the same. The only notable "innovation" is that it opens up to clean. That still doesn't solve the issue of cleaning in between the zig-zagged blade's narrow corners without losing a digit. I know, I have one! (Listen. It was on sale at Sears, my old chopper was broken, what can you do?)
CLOSING ARGUMENTS:
As annoying as these infomercials are, maybe there is a silver lining. They inspire the innovative, greedy minds of Western youth. That hope combined with the natural teenage desire for fame and fortune is what drives the consumer industry. I can almost guarantee that, if you are reading this, you've tried to think of your own hair-brained invention at some point. I've had at least two.
1) The EraseRing
In grade six we had an Invention Fair. Though optional, it was encouraged and I had a great idea. It's a Ring with an Eraser on it! Eraser + Ring = ERASERING! My rational was much like Easy Feet. "Are you tired of turning your pencil over every time you need to erase something?" I failed ... miserably.
2) Hole Punch in a Binder
Unlike the EraseRing, I cannot claim youthful ignorance on this one. I thought of this about 4 years ago. The idea was to make the clasps of a 3-ring binder work as a 3-hole-punch as well, eliminating the need for a hole punch. I even went as far as to talk to my Uncle who is an engineer about building a prototype. Unfortunately, there were two major flaws: There was no need. And even if there was, my only hope was to patent the thing and pitch to the company that makes both the binder and the whole punch. If a $20 hole punch + a $3 binder = $23 in revenue, why would they make a $7 binder that does both?
Yet, somehow, someone, somewhere, decided that Easy Feet was a good idea with a significant amount of need and put money behind it enough to air the infomercial multiple times a day.
Well it's time for me to throw on my Snuggie, grab my Flowbee, and call Miss Cleo from my Craftomatic bed!
I Love, Love, LOVE you all,
Nic-o-Matic 2000
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